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No. 391775
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I don't think I've ever been clinically depressed, but chronic disappointment, sure. I get extra sad when "good ole ma" decides she needs to burn off some frustration by verbally and financially kicking me into a corner and trying to make herself feel powerful by reminding me just how thoroughly she's destroyed my social life, my finances, my future and my mind. About a year ago she got up on her Napoleon complex and grew exasperated that despite this stalemate, I still refuse to be her slave just for the impression I could get out of it by working. I couldn't, because the fine print is still, "give mother 100% of the income that doesn't go to meeting YOUR responsibilities for gassing and maintaining the FAMILY car, of which you are the chauffeur. Or leave and be homeless. But stop living here and not making me money"
She came out and started screaming something that punched me right in the memories, but I admit surprise that it just kind of hit my heart and rebounded like a dull saw against knotted wood.
>I HATE YOU. I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU. I NEVER WANTED YOU. I'M SORRY I HAD YOU!
All I could say was "I think we've both known this for a very, very long time." She started crying and drove off for a while to cool down. After that I realized in her moments of weakness, she's always said those words when she's been defeated. The first time she said them, I must have been no older than 2 or 3. I remember it distinctly, because it came unprovoked, with no witnesses, during some sort of emotional breakdown of hers.
When I got cognoscente and other adults started listening to what I had to say, she got a lot outwardly nicer and more subtle in her psychological abuse and deprivation.
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