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  • 08/21/12 - Poll ended; /cod/ split off as a new board from /pco/.

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383259 No. 383259
Hey guys.
We're all depressed all the time.

I'm depressed now, you are too.

Let's talk about depression without congratulatory masturbation or uplifting pretense motivation.

What's your favorite depression music? You best depression wallpapers? Depression General.
Expand all images
>> No. 383260
My favorite way to be depressed is too think about how I'm going to have to get my shit together soon or I'm going to be homeless and then go and replay Symphony of the Night for the 18th time.
>> No. 383261
No comment.
>> No. 383264
there's a part of my heart that is in perpetual mourning and as soon as i do more than acknowledge it, i collapse into a cemetery of all my lost joys and broken dreams.

i like listening to nostalgic folk music to make it feel as though i'm in the woods with people people who are too busy working just to have their hands moving so much they don't even get the chance to feel until they rest their heads on rolled up blankets and drown in sorrows.

it's okay. my favorite band for that is on the mild side. the head and the heart. "lost in my mind" is my favorite track.
>> No. 383266
I like to remember little, insignificant fuck-ups I've done in the past, especially when my day is actually going all right, to remind me to never ever try anything because I'll just screw that up, too.
>> No. 383267
I think the people who say "suck it up" or use the term "hugbox" don't have depression or know what people with anxiety and depression are going through.

The "Hyperbole and A Half" comics on depression are accurate for the most part-- there's stuff the artist talks about in it that I can't relate to, but kinda like Nash said on Radio Dead Air, depression is actually sorta like Pokémon. Everyone's a different type, some people react better to certain types of treatment, but certain other things will backfire on them spectacularly.

For me, I hate being sad, so I don't listen to sad music, but maybe I'll listen to something acoustic and quiet and play single-player Minecraft. I only complain now when I get stuck and feel helpless and need advice. I'm in a situation that I don't feel I can get out of, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I get out of it, because I feel like I've been living doing what everyone else wants me to do for my entire life.
>> No. 383268
>The "Hyperbole and A Half" comics on depression are accurate for the most part
Agreed in full. For those that haven't read them:
Part 1 - Original revelation of severe depression to her community (by this point the author had a good following for many of her other posts which mix comic panels and text)
Part 2 - Nearly two years later, after she stops posting completely, she posts and update that basically says "I'm still depressed but now not everything is complete shit, only most things."
>> No. 383271

I know that feeling.
>> No. 383280
It's bile. I am tired.
>> No. 383282
File 137703174920.jpg - (115.39KB , 560x515 , 5769601687_a3c0409be5_z.jpg )
Wait is this about having a sad or actually clinically depressed. The big stumbling block I find is most people don't differentiate the two.
>> No. 383284
Actual depression is when you CAN'T be happy, even when good things happen, it's a chemical imbalance. Having a sad is when you just have a long string of shitty luck.
>> No. 383286
>clinical depression
>schizoid personality disorder

Life is one long unmotivated question-mark.
>> No. 383288
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As simple an explanation as that is, everybody I talk to, unless they also have depression, don't get it.
>> No. 383291
File 137703622525.png - (47.98KB , 1024x1000 , ADTWO26[1].png )
If you can, give them the links in >>383268. The second one, especially, talks about the problems a depressed person runs into when trying to talk to non-depressed people. Most relevant excerpt:
>And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

>It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.

>The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren't necessarily looking for solutions. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though."

It lacks a bit of oomf without the images, though. (One is attached.)
>> No. 383295
The thing is, even though I have depression, I have no idea how to help other people with depression. Even I default to that mentality.
>> No. 383296
I don't even try. How could I rescue a drowning person when I am drowning as well?
>> No. 383304
I think it's coded into my DNA or something to help others. I feel guilty and responsible to make sure nobody feels the way I do.
>> No. 383308
Sacrifice yourself, by using your body as flotsam.
>> No. 383312
This holds true for whenever but you can't save people. Only love them. Abridged quote from anaïs nin.

Sometimes short term depression isn't something to escape anyway. Just outlived.
>> No. 383313
I thought I was depressed once. But it just turned out to be boredom.

On a global scale I live like a fucking king.
>> No. 383320
Real talk: Fuck popular perception/culture's view on brain drugs and find the one that's right for your brain problems. I went from not being able to deal with some random-ass person on the street's eye contact to getting through a hellish six months where three important people (dad, grandmother who raised me for the formative years in my life, PI) and one animal (catbro of 18 years) died and I wasted a thousand bucks on applying for grad school. Now I have awesome irl bros and am in grad school getting paid a comparable amount to what I was getting from working fulltime. Thankyew escitalopram.

Also this.
>> No. 383322
I've been on three anti-depressants: Wellbutrin, citalopram, and I forget the third. This third one made things absolutely horrible, and I'm pretty sure it fucked up my jaw sockets. I had that about a month before I quit completely because I was tired of how horrible it was. The second was middling, but did give me a small boost for about a year. After that, made me disinterested in most everything. I took that about three years before going off it entirely.

The army drove me insane (as in, I wound up in a psych ward for a few days), and there they first tried Welbutrin again for a day, it just made me tired, then they gave me Citalopram (and then kicked me back to my unit because they said I wasn't crazy and they needed the bed for someone who was.) Citalopram seemed to help at first, but the end effect was that I just didn't give a shit about anything ever. I was chemically incapable of being happy, and the few times I was (such as a day's trip to Disneyland) the medication would make my body counter the happiness so hard that I would fall into severe depression for two or three days before it leveled off again. It was so bad that I wished I was never happy in the first place.

I've been off that for about two months now, and the only change so far seems to be that I take one less pill a day. Mood, motivation, none of that has changed for better or worse.

I don't want to try another pill until I see an actual goddamn psychotherapist regularly; every time I've been subscribed something it was by a counselor through a doctor or a therapist that saw me for all of 15 minutes. Once. And since I can't afford that, I won't be doing meds again, because I'm tried of playing whack-a-mole.
>> No. 383324
I'm pretty sure I have clinical anxiety, but I don't want to see a doctor to confirm/get drugs because...I don't know why.
Probably don't anyway, no one who self-diagnoses does, right, but
I dunno. I think about it a lot, especially when it starts interfering with my relationships.
>> No. 383325
People keep self-diagnosing depression and that makes me depressed someone hug me
>> No. 383329


as long as we're not dismissing the former in place of the latter, i'm inclined to agree, but that's true for all self-misdiagnosing.

i don't want to digress into generalizations about that, though. the important thing in this thread is the personal experience.

i met with a counselor and she essentially told me i don't belong in this thread anymore, so... you folk take care of yourself.
>> No. 383331
Is there like a sliding scale of actual Depression? I think I'm in the shallow end of that pool, if so. If not, I guess I dwell on the bad things in my life a bit too often. I've been good at distracting myself from it lately, but I know it's bound to come back again like it always does.

>i met with a counselor and she essentially told me i don't belong in this thread anymore, so... you folk take care of yourself.

Just because you aren't depressed doesn't mean you can't converse with depressed people.
>> No. 383335
File 137709116134.png - (65.69KB , 260x260 , rf Alice I dunno lol.png )
I don't find media depressing. Depression (at least for me) originates in my own mind, with depressing thoughts, and can only be defeated by positive thoughts.
>define negative and positive
I am describing my personal case only; it's probably subjective.

Interesting fact: most of the music I listen to my mother finds depressing, while it makes me very happy.
>> No. 383336
In my experience, at least, yeah. Usually I have bad self-esteem, but I can hide it, or deal with it. If something bad happens, it gets 10x worse.
>> No. 383337
i took the line
>I'm depressed now, you are too.
too literally, but sure.
i've built up a lot of triggers for negativity but i've been learning ways to get meaningfully and substantively out of those mental cycles. it's a slow process building confidence and a sense of self-value that isn't based on outside influences.... that's the only way i've been able to get out of it. i think it might be the only way short of a fully functional deity.
>> No. 383341
If you can brag about the net about it and use it as a mean to get followers and "feels" circlejerk, you don't know shit about depression.
>> No. 383343
learning how to control your own emotions is an important life skill. Especially for those suffering from disorders.
>> No. 383347
i actually don't agree with this. i know some people who are clinically depressed who wear it like a badge of honor and will not stop talking about what people should or shouldn't be doing with respect to that.

some people cope in different ways.

but i think i know what you mean. i hope you're not singling out anyone in this thread for that. i think most everyone here has been respectful of other people's experiences as well as their own.
>> No. 383353
I was on citalopram too for about a year. It did the job but man, fuck the side effect so much. I used to get wicked bad headaches frequently, random cramps/spasms bot only in my buttocks and thighs) and random audio/visual hallucinations. In the end I just stopped taking it because the weird dreams were fucking with my sleep just as much as the insomnia from the actual depression had in the beginning. I was planning on switching to another medication but I noticed that I didn't actually feel any different without it so I didn't bother. I was expecting it to be hellish because I'd been on a pretty high dose. I don't really know what I should do with the left-over pills. Do you give them back?
>> No. 383356
File 13771146504.png - (621.20KB , 533x528 , Untitled.png )
>> No. 383357
depression sucks but mine was finely honed through a severe anxiety disorder and nearly killed me two years ago and then tried really hard to keep killing me for another 2 years
my suicide fantasies turned into suicide attempts while my body just completely shut down involuntarily. i stopped eating for days at a time because putting anything in my mouth just caused me to vomit just from the sensation of it being in my mouth. i was nearly 30 pounds underweight. every night around 9 pm i would go into what i now know are panic attacks that would cause me to start sobbing hysterically and would send my self-loathing into overdrive so i would try to come up with even one reason why i shouldnt kill myself until i got so upset i would throw up (or dry heave, usually since i had nothing in me to throw up).
i still struggle with eating a lot but im back at a "normal" weight but it took 2 years to find a medication combination that could fix my broken brain without me becoming horribly fatigued and unable to function during the day.

recovery is coming along good tho
>> No. 383364
>Do you give them back?
Best to check with your doc, but probably toss them.

My side-effects were insomnia and lethargy. At least, I thought; the lethargy has improved since I've been off, but falling asleep without pure exhaustion is still a hell of a task (I will regularly get to this paralysis state where all my muscles have relaxed but I'm still conscious and completely aware of the world around me; I can be like this up to an hour before I turn everything back on and change positions.) I also hated not caring about anything at all, and I thought I would have a bit more interest/initiative without, but again that doesn't seem to be the case.

Anyway, I worked with my doc to ween down (did three weeks of weening, cutting the dose by half each week) and he said to keep the remainder with me for a bit in case I had a sudden and severe downturn; they might be able to help until I can get back in to see him and on something else. For you, since your side-effects were so much worse, probably just toss them.

Glad to hear it's coming along well, especially since it sounds like you had it worse off than I.

Also, someone get Bard in here, let's see how many +mods are heavily depressed.
>> No. 383367
I should also note that prescription drugs can never be returned nor donated AFAIK. The possibility for swapped pills, intentional or accidental, is far too great a risk (especially when considering that some meds are detrimental to those without the illness they are trying to treat) to try putting them back into the supply chain.
>> No. 383389
I'm trying to figure things out with a friend. We both have anxiety problems, and I want to help her, but she flip-flops on her stance on things, and when I try to ask her about things, to work them out when we get angry at each other, she just goes silent. I can't read her mind.
>> No. 383390
>I don't really know what I should do with the left-over pills. Do you give them back?

In Murrica, you can turn them in to the police station so they can get their fix properly dispose of them.
>> No. 383486
I'm currently pursuing this:
I've tried pretty much everything the realm of psychiatry has to offer at this point including ECT with no results, and one of my doctors referred me to NIH or something and got their attention.
Apparently their still working out the kinks or something, so they'll do it for free if I qualify for their study.
Anyone else have experience with these more invasive procedures, like ECT and DBS? I'm still pretty uneasy about it all.
>> No. 383487
okay. you know what. i'm sick of having my past experiences with depression and panic attacks dismissed by people just because it wasn't created by a chemical disorder.

what the fuck. i was suicidal on and off for about two straight years. no one gets to tell me that my experience wasn't legitimate because i "got better" or because i talk about my experience with it.

holy fuck.

this isn't directed at anyone specifically but the lack of sympathy/compassion/empathy for another human being who has also suffered is really shitty.

okay. that was all i had to say. don't be that guy, please. we're all people here.
>> No. 383505
I've seriously considered offering to have sex with people in exchange for something like, incentive to calm down when they're pissed at me, or helping me when I really need to do something, but don't have any of the resources to do so, and because I know I'm serious about it, I'd rather just remain a virgin. Because I have no respect for myself sexually, so I don't expect anyone else to.
>> No. 383519
Yep I used to get shitty depression. Really fucked with my head for a while. Good things were happening to me that I couldn't even feel anything about, and bad things just crushed me even more, until I stopped feeling anything at all. You can get to a point where your soul is pretty much dead and still keep up with your daily life, socialize, etc. and think you're doing fine, but looking back you realize how insane you were. This is when you spend so long being depressed you forget what normal ever felt like. Nothing you do means anything, and anyone who gets too close to you ends up backing the fuck off once they see it. You think you're doing a good job hiding it, too.

Then I dosed myself with psilocybin every day for like a month and a half, and it's been a year now without depression. Kind amazing. Here. read this : http://europepmc.org/articles/PMC3277566/reload=0;jsessionid=AAMQWjJYBMSjKX7K1VnG.26
>> No. 383531

though ive never used either of these methods, ECT is typically reserved as a last resort measure for people who are in danger of severe self harm or suicide and who are unresponsive to medication. it works (with a 60-70% success rate)! just...no one can actually explain why. it just does.
its also not the ECT we associate with frothing and violent seizures. it's a decent jolt but they put you under for it.
dbs i know far less about. sorry i cant help :(

how about a post your medication

150 mg bupropion
45 mg mirtazapine

actually how man of you folks are on deplin because h o l y s h i t. it costs an arm and a leg but its helped me do a complete 180 moodwise. the other two drugs made me stable, deplin made me happy
>> No. 383532
Why I'm not on medication right now:

>>was on it in high school for awhile
>>made me feel numb and sleepy, but helped a lot
>>parents didn't like how I was on it
>>parents took me off it
>>discussed wanting to get back on it when shit got terrible again
>>got into a fight with them over unrelated shit
>>they pushed me out of a (parked) car onto the driveway and tried to suffocate me to death
>>I called the police
>>police never investigated because my parents convinced them that by being on antidepressants in the past, I wasn't trustworthy or aware of what was going on, or something
>>don't have the urge to bring up depression again
>> No. 383536
I've tried talking to professionals about depression, but I'm written off as 'phasing' or just feeling bad ala >>383487 . Which, granted, I've said to myself too. I'm a big believer in self-will and pushing myself through to the other side.

I'm actually terrified of drugs, considering I had a pretty big pill/drug abuse problem in college, stemming from the depression I had at that time.

Not really sure the best way to move forward, short of just moving forward.
>> No. 383540
That's okay.
While ECT is certainly far more humane than what people typically think of it as, my experience with it was pretty miserable as I was completely unresponsive to it, and it actually caused me some memory loss and minor brain damage.
I'm looking into TMS and DBS, but the cost of TMS is insane, and I'm still screwing up the courage to consider DBS. Also, I've read studies that say that the chances of these being effective are significantly diminished if the patient has not responded positively to ECT.

I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope after having done so many things and poured so much money down the drain.
Just trying to make some lifestyle changes, and waiting on the people to get back to me on the DBS thing.

>Not really sure the best way to move forward, short of just moving forward.
Yeah, I need to do this.
>> No. 383542
The only form of electric therapy that has any chance of working. And even that is crude from a neurological standpoint.

ECT has shown to be only slightly better than a placebo in double blind studies. Patients with simulated ECT reported 60% recurrence of depression, patients with actual ECT reported 50% recurrence of depression.
It's not worth it, and is generally only used if all other medicine fails.
>> No. 383544
File 137744973551.png - (95.90KB , 420x321 , 1268367541816.png )
>they pushed me out of a (parked) car onto the driveway and tried to suffocate me to death
>I called the police
>police never investigated because my parents convinced them that by being on antidepressants in the past, I wasn't trustworthy or aware of what was going on, or something

...Holy fuck. That is beyond terrible. I hope you've gotten away from them.
>> No. 383550
Unfortunately not. I have no real way out of this situation. I'm hoping I can get a job or at least commissions to alleviate this.
>> No. 383551
File 137746660114.gif - (1.00MB , 240x314 , do a flip.gif )
>> No. 383552
Falling into one of my depressed spells. Bleh.
>> No. 383567
I have like 9 days of vacation time saved up, and since I can't afford to drive anywhere I don't see a big reason to use them all before the end of the year, namely because I have no money to drive home.

So I've thought about taking a week off from work in the hopes that it might allow me to mellow out a bit. But all I would do in that week would be playing video games and watching Hulu because, again, I have no money.

>> No. 383568
File 137749270178.jpg - (128.55KB , 980x396 , 2013-08-26-TGAG_338_Emotional.jpg )
>> No. 383570
If that's a regular thing, you need to get out of that situation. Find some way to record any transgressions and confide in non-shitty family members if possible.
>> No. 383576
One thing I know won't work is talking to my psychologist and certain friends, all of whom think my parents' overprotectiveness is very sweet and affectionate and a way they show me they love me.
>> No. 383585
Fuck that psychologist, get a new one or just stop talking to them.

Listen to >>383570, just run away if you have to. Your life is at stake.
>> No. 383649
I can't. I don't have any life experience due to being sheltered, and I've heard "you're going to fuck up on everything, you can't get a job, you can't drive, you don't have any friends" so many times that I don't think I can do this. I don't know if I can do anything.
>> No. 383685
So one of the popular memes around 4chan, especially when people are promoting things like Nofapvember, is that excessive masturbation lowers your energy and drive. Any truth to this? Cause I normally choke the snake about 2 or 3 times a day, once before going to work, but I've stopped doing it in the morning for this week and since then there does seem to be an uptick in energy, but I don't know if it's just a chemistry thing or one of the other few things that are different (like drinking every night before bed, which I also started this week.)
>> No. 383687
Give it a try, where's the harm in some self-experimentation?
Couple weeks back I went 2 weeks without masturbating but allowing myself as much porn as I wanted, to see what it did to my libido, and I'm currently in the process of going 18 days with no porn but allowing myself to masturbate as frequently as I want.
Just to experiment.
>> No. 383688
i time that stuff to match what i'm doing since not playing some of the five on one and not getting any tends to make my libido go up but my overall sense of well-being go down. it's like fasting and drinking a lot of water before going to a buffet.
>> No. 383689
How do you even have the urge to fap when you're depressed?
>> No. 383690
Libido is an emotion? No more than hunger or sleepiness, I would think.
>> No. 383691
when i was depressed... what i would have said back then was
"it comes and goes"
then i would have laughed
then i would have groaned deeply into my chest and collapsed into a pile of self-loathing and near hopelessness as the joke bounced uselessly against deaf ears
then i'd have to have the rest of a day.
then i'd worry that sleep wasn't going to fix anything.
then i'd try to do anything physically relaxing and pleasurable to lull myself to sleep and remember times i wasn't depressed.
then i'd try to think positive thoughts.
then i'd fall asleep.
then i'd wake up in a very dark place full of a lot of pain and come up with a much funnier response to your question in the middle of the night and hold onto into it in the hopes that it may come up again and i could use it to fend off the darkness of everyday suffering one joke at a time.
then i'd lay in bed for two hours and muster up the courage to take a shower and walk out the door.
but masturbation fits in that schedule somewhere.
>> No. 383693
1) As >>383690 alludes, libido is more a physical urge than an emotion. A physical reaction, which is why people can laugh when tickled even when horribly depressed.
2) It's easy
3) It feels good

And, at least for me, I'll take any small good feeling when I'm feeling bad, which is why I do it more oft than not.
>> No. 383695
life is too short to not masturbate
>> No. 383696
why would you not masturbate all the time
>> No. 383697
why are you not masturbating right now
>> No. 383698
Why do you think I bought a Shake weight? Gotta even out both arms. One hour of shaking per day. Minimum. Shake weight.
>> No. 383699
If you own a shake weight, chances are you're depressed.
>> No. 383700
Because I'm at work.
>> No. 383702

what are you, a chicken
ca ca caw ca ca caw
>> No. 383705
I hope that you were intentionally doing GOB right there, because that's how I read it. I also hope you had enough dedication to the bit to actually do the dance.
>> No. 383708
if you could only see me now
>> No. 383709
File 137774793830.jpg - (24.85KB , 200x150 , woops.jpg )
>> No. 383718
Would it make my masturbation easier?
>> No. 383719
>> No. 383720
File 137776568294.jpg?spoiler - (46.30KB , 640x480 , mehorns.jpg?spoiler )
>> No. 383721
needs more roller coasters
>> No. 383722
Ha, shows what you know.
>> No. 383723
You're looking quite horny, there.
>> No. 383725
For me, depression was/is entirely focused on "I'm a piece of shit, and I don't deserve to have nice things or be happy because I'm a piece of shit. I shouldn't even bother with arousal, I won't get laid, I can't even make platonic relationships work."

That, and my parents snooped (and still make up excuses to do so, even though I'm legally an adult) so much that I didn't really bother with getting into much porn.
>> No. 383728
omg i love pale satan
>> No. 383759
Favorite thing to listen to when I'm feeling utterly down and just wallowing in it.
Dirt - Depeche Modeyoutube thumb
>> No. 383957
>favorite depression music?

The Mountain Goats discography
Lately the song I've been listening to the most is this:

Transcendental Youth - the Mountain Goatsyoutube thumb
>> No. 383959
>favorite depression music?

The Mountain Goats discography
Lately the song I've been listening to the most is this:

Transcendental Youth - the Mountain Goatsyoutube thumb
>> No. 384303
>TFW you, your fiance, and an acquaintance are talking about God and said friend asks for your belief in God, only to get interrupted by parter who says "Well, my belief is naturally more complex than his" and proceeds to go on and on
>Get infuriated and tell him off and his belief system and how it's simplistic in and of itself and where does he feel the right to mock others, etc.
>Break up in a drunken brawl, but next morning back together
>He won't admit to saying anything, just that I'm a drunkard and that I insulted his belief system in front of others
>That feel when we haven't had sex in about 3 weeks, and to be honest never had sex that much anyways, and you keep asking and he keeps saying he's 'not in the mood'
>Can't help but wonder if he finds me desirable any more.
It's my first serious relationship, and I now completely understand people when they say "relationship issues", holy shit all this endless angst, depression, low self-esteem, awkwardness, exceedingly careful talks with your loved ones, etc.
>> No. 384326
>endless angst, depression, low self-esteem, awkwardness, exceedingly careful talks with your loved ones
whoa whoa whoa back the fuck up
that sounds less like regular issues and more like you are miserable and this is making you miserable and maybe a breakup is in order
>He won't admit to saying anything, just that I'm a drunkard and that I insulted his belief system in front of others
that is what we might call a RED FLAG
>> No. 384373
Why do you want this relationship to work out exactly?
>> No. 384429
I have very few friends, and I don't see them very often.
I've never had a girlfriend, and the possibility of never getting one seems more real each day.
I've got some self-esteem issues, as well as some social anxiety, and I'm also quite awkward. This makes meeting people difficult for me, and I seem to bungle every attempt I make.

On occasion, this stuff makes me sad, and when it does I can't stop thinking about it.

This seems to be a very common problem among men on the internet. To the point where if I try to talk about any of this, I feel like anyone who sees what I wright will roll their eyes and say "oh great, yet another guy who is whining about being single on the internet." I've seen a lot of people complain online about how common guys like me are. We do seem to be on just about every forum out there. Hell, even I feel like my depression is generic sometimes, which just makes me feel guilty about even being depressed, which makes me feel like shit about myself, and makes my mood even worse. But I don't have anyone I can talk about this with, and going online just makes me expect immediate backlash from people who are sick of seeing these kinds of posts, so these emotions just keep building up and make me feel terrible.

So I'd just like to say: Fuck off if my problems aren't 'interesting' enough for you. I'm sad and really lonely and I need a place to vent.
>> No. 384443
People who kvetch about people with legit psychological issues are usually pretty broken themselves, for what it's worth. vOv

Only advice I can give is exercise and maybe try meds if your social anxiety is bad enough. Also go to meet ups of random shit to practice your social skills. It'll be hella painful at first but just look at it like a game.
>> No. 384652
I reckon it would be a lot easier for me to shake off my depression if my country would stop giving me things to be depressed about:
>A student at H. L. Bourgeois High School accused of using a mobile phone app to simulate shooting his classmates was booked and jailed in Terrebonne Parish.
>“He said it was a result of him being frustrated and tired of being bullied. He said that he had no intentions of hurting anybody. We have to take all threats seriously and we have no way of knowing that without investigating and getting to the bottom of it.”
>> No. 384673
> I have very few friends
> I've never had a girlfriend
> I've got some self-esteem issues

All three points are true for me, and I seriously don't care. It's all about how you deal with societal expectations, years ago I decided to just stopping to give a fuck about what people thought of my life and simply do as I please, and I've been much happier ever since.

Would my life be better if I had a wife and kids? Perhaps, but it also would be better if I could have Superman's powers, and that's only slightly less likely to happen to me, so why lose sleep over it?
>> No. 384676
As I mentioned in Speak Your Bears: this sums up my life pretty well, and it’s also a bit on-the-nose when it comes to depression.


I know what it’s like to feel like it's breaking rocks just to do the sort of stuff that comes naturally to self-adjusted, mature, rational people.

But I'm trying harder to break them, at least when it comes to my more creative endeavours. I’ve spent the past three mornings coming up with at least two lists of ten ideas (per the suggestion of blogger/author James Altucher) and trying to write at least 500 words a day (no matter what I write about, if I even write about a specific subject).

It's self-discipline that's getting me into a better mindset, not the kind of "motivational" bullshit like you see on /r/GetMotivated or whatever. I'm sure that works for some people, and it might’ve worked for me just a few months ago, but building new/better habits and becoming a self-disciplined person has done a better job of curing my occasional bouts of depression and helping me cut back on my self-loathing than any given Courage Wolf meme ever has.

(You guys and your tough love helped, too, you bunch of candy-coated bastards. :)
>> No. 384725
Y'know, it's weird. Since I posted that I haven't actually been upset about any of that stuff at all.

Honestly though for me the issue was more about loneliness than feeling inadequate because of social pressure. For whatever reason I don't feel that way anymore. It's nice.
>> No. 385209
Last night I wanted to destroy the world.
This morning I only want to destroy myself.

Fuck this pointless existence. I can't wait until I completely break.
>> No. 385213
File 138092691999.jpg - (408.51KB , 1280x800 , 173183.jpg )
I am at a nice point where I'm kind of not depressed anymore and can sort of have hope for my life, but I would be totally cool with the world ending or something. Not in a "I'm twelve and humanity is a shit and should just die" kind of way, but more of a "oh hey we're all gonna die OK that's fine, nobody will get sad or nothin' when I'm dead because everyone is skeletons."

it's pretty neat
>> No. 385228
File 138097931561.jpg - (44.99KB , 550x404 , let_me_explain.jpg )
I'm going to be a bit harsh here. Some of this is not directed at you, some of it is me venting because of certain situations with other people I know, but perhaps you can learn something from what I have to say.

Stop it. Stop fucking saying things like this. You think life is so bad? You think life is so hard? I'm sure it feels that way to you. I don't want to belittle your problems. But you know what? There are a lot of people out there with MUCH worse problems than you, and yet they still soldier on. One thing you could do to put things into perspective is to seek out some of these other people. Volunteer. Donate. Do something for the betterment of your fellow human beings and/or animals. There is always someone more desperate, hurting, needy, suffering than you. Exposure to too much of this can have the reverse effect and make you depressed, but if you feel your life is a waste, try helping someone worse off than yourself. You will come to realize you're not as bad off as you could be.

In addition, you need to find something to devote yourself to. Whether it's aforementioned charity work, a hobby, a job, or some wild crazy dream, you need something to do. Just sitting around with your thoughts will only further crush yourself under your depression. Keep busy. Or, if you're too busy, try to set aside at least an hour a day to relax. Close your eyes, listen to music, have a hot shower. Too much stress and anxiety exacerbates the feeling of desperation, of wanting to escape no matter what or how. And if none of these things are working for you, then just leave. Get up and get out, walk the earth. Become a hobo. What do you have to lose? You were going to kill yourself anyway, right? Get a change of scenery, get some fresh air, meet other vagrants. People who are probably, once again, worse off than you, poor and living on the streets and eating garbage. And then, maybe, just maybe, you'll come to realize your life isn't so bad after all.

Or maybe you'll just snap and kill yourself one day, who knows? But that would be stupid. Fight for your life. Your life will only be a total waste if you throw it away. You have a choice, so make the right one.

Addendum: In addition to that other stuff I talked about, therapy and/or medication could work wonders, although I know not all of you can afford it. That's why I posted all those other options first, because I'm poor and it totally slipped my mind. But if you can't afford a professional, try a close friend/relative or religious leader, because for serious depression, this may be the only thing that can truly help.
>> No. 385231
Speaking for myself:
>There are a lot of people out there with MUCH worse problems than you, and yet they still soldier on.
There are. They have far more tenacity than I. Also, probably less chemical imbalances.

>Do something for the betterment of your fellow human beings and/or animals.
I've volunteered at a cat adoption and rescue shelter for close to two years. (Oddly enough, I'm thinking of giving it a rest for a bit, because some of the people that come in there piss me the hell off.)

> if you feel your life is a waste, try helping someone worse off than yourself.
Ah, but if my life is a waste and I feel I'm useless, how could I possibly help anyone worse off than myself?

>you need to find something to devote yourself to.
This is probably one of my larger problems. I just can't give enough of a shit about anything beyond thinking and yammering on Facebook to actually have a hobby, let alone devote myself to anything. I can't even say something like "my hobby is video games", because while I have tons of unplayed games I turn, without fail, to TF2. Every night. And it's not even that I find it super entertaining, it's that A) it's the only social experience I get, chatting over alltalk, and B) I'm moderately good at it (better damn well be after 2500 hours in it) so it's rare I'll get really frustrated playing on pubs. But even though I main a handful of servers I never go deeper into their communities or interact on their forums or talk to anyone from the game outside of the game.

>What do you have to lose?
My mom is a co-signer on $20,000 of my debt. If I simply get up and leave, she has to deal with this, and she already has debt of her own. This is my shackle.

>therapy and/or medication could work wonders
I've had three different meds. At best they make me indifferent, so I stop giving a shit about any and everything; this works for a while, but after a few months like this I realize that it also means I can't be happy, because the few times I am my brain goes into panic mode to balance it out and I become curl-in-a-ball-crying-on-the-floor depressed. (One turned me into something just above a zombie.)

I've had counseling and therapy, and they were useful as a sounding board, but aside from that small amount of stress release none of it has ever seemed to improve things. Of course, the longest string I had was 12 weeks, so perhaps there wasn't enough time to really delve into issues. But, money considerations aside, two of the three folks I saw in this vein kept dropping or rescheduling appointments which infuriates me, so I'm loathe to try it all again.
>> No. 385232
>There are a lot of people out there with MUCH worse problems than you, and yet they still soldier on.

Exactly right, because they have a REASON TO LIVE! All those starving children in Africa (or whatever other bullshit argument you can crap out to make me feel sympathy, like those commercials trying to con me out of my hard-earned money ten-cents at a time) have families that rely on them for support. Any parent or sibling — or, hell, anyone with someone that needs them — has a single, gigantic reason not to off themselves; they have a gigantic reason to drag themselves out of bed every day and get to work. It's not just about them anymore; they hold, essentially, another person's life in their hands. You couldn't possibly pretend that it doesn't feel GOOD to be needed by someone, or even wanted by someone.

I've made some terrible mistakes in my life. One of the worst was packing up and leaving sections of my family for years at a time to live with other sections, and vice-versa. Although anyone would be delusional to think normal adults with jobs and houses and other friends/family members really NEEDS any single person, it's damn depressing to have that fact slapped in your face. These are people I saw weekly or monthly at the least (for my parents, almost daily) since I was fucking born; it was natural to assume some kind of co-dependency existed. Yet, when I left and went more-or-less totally out of contact for five years, NOTHING CHANGED! Everyone went on with their lives as if nothing had happened, quietly and efficiently erasing any impact I had on them. They still got together and had Christmas dinner (and probably not with a dramatic empty-chair!) without me, somehow got their lawns mowed without me doing it, somehow took loads of junk to the dump without my help, got houses painted without my help, somehow they just... went on, and were no worse for it. Perhaps if other people did this sort of thing, it might have been different; perhaps they would find that those who were left behind suffered for it like in It's A Wonderful Life. Not for me. I found out, that if I were to die, nobody would be adversely or even fucking favorably affected. My life has no importance; I am not needed by anyone. You have no idea how much that hurts me. No idea.

So, when you say that there are others that are "worse off" than I am, I say simply that that is a matter of opinion. I feel that there is nothing in the world worse than being alone and completely unnecessary — not starving, not being in war, not being crippled, not anything. That isn't to belittle those conditions at all, but any adversity can be overcome so long as you have someone standing by your side. When the world is empty to you, even just putting one foot in front of the other becomes an almost-insurmountable obstacle.
>> No. 385235
File 138099356719.jpg - (216.31KB , 650x891 , 117093555-pP3rO.jpg )
This is almost the worst post I've ever seen.
It's like talking to my parents or something.

>You have a choice, so make the right one.
The fuck is this supposed to mean?
>> No. 385241
Emotional injury and physical injury are not the same thing and it's unhealthy to treat them as equals.
>> No. 385242
But most people don't understand this type of emotional injury and also have an understanding that metaphors are not exact equations.

The one they want you to make, of course. The most agreeable course of action to their morals and feeling of well-being.

You don't want another person. You want a pet. People have to know how to function alone, and can't stop because your selfishness needs them too. Seriously, though, all your whining is basically what I talk myself out of to get out of bed each day. Even the stuff not in this thread. You and I are very similar people in a lot of ways. Except for the being crippled or starving or in a war bit. That's probably just your need to see your own problems as the worst. Everyone has that.
>> No. 385243
Addendum: No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
>> No. 385244
Man, I would love a pet. A cat. It wouldn't solve my problems, but just having that companion would be highly invigorating for me.
>> No. 385255
I reviewed this thread again and saw that you'd tried medication before, so I apologize for missing that, but I was also just venting in general. I've had way too many people in my life pull this on me and I tried to help, even total strangers, and then I found out most of them weren't really serious, they were just being overly dramatic or trying to get attention. It made me cynical and angry, especially since I'm currently dealing with yet another close friend who is more or less emotionally blackmailing me with this stuff. I've told him I'm not going to let him do that, but it's hard to convince someone you care about them and don't want them to hurt themselves while still avoiding their emotional manipulations.

>I've volunteered at a cat adoption and rescue shelter for close to two years. (Oddly enough, I'm thinking of giving it a rest for a bit, because some of the people that come in there piss me the hell off.)

This is a good start. Sorry about the jerks.

>My mom is a co-signer on $20,000 of my debt. If I simply get up and leave, she has to deal with this, and she already has debt of her own. This is my shackle.

And where will she be if you actually kill yourself? Think about that.

>But, money considerations aside, two of the three folks I saw in this vein kept dropping or rescheduling appointments which infuriates me, so I'm loathe to try it all again.

That's unfortunate. Maybe you could try the non-professional route I mentioned?

>This is almost the worst post I've ever seen.

Then you haven't seen much, now have you?

>It's like talking to my parents or something.

Sometimes I feel like I have to be everyone's parent. I guess I'm just sick of seeing people give up so easily. And it really makes me mad when they say things like this for attention or don't want to bother looking for real solutions. I've felt this way too, but as long as there are people who need me, I'm not going to put them through that.
>> No. 385259
> I apologize for missing that
No worries; you said it was a general rant, I was just responded with my own experience.

>And where will she be if you actually kill yourself?
The same place she is now, 3 states away. I never talk to her (not out of estrangement, I just don't like small talk or talking about other people and never have anything about myself to communicate) and I haven't been home in almost two years. She telecommutes to a place nearby and has to fly in about once every three months, so I see her then, but it always feels forced and would be better off if I just didn't.

I'm sure she would be crushed initially, but I have four siblings she can shift my portion of focus to and will do so after enough time to grieve.

I don't really consider suicide, I just wish to die. It would be far easier in just about every way if I got hit by a bus crossing the street or something instead of stepping out in front of it. (Actually, I'd prefer not to exist in the first place, but as that's impossible I go with option 2.)

>Maybe you could try the non-professional route I mentioned?
I've no close friend/relative that I feel would be useful in discussing this. Furthermore, I don't want to worry someone, which is why I'd rather save it for a professional who has experienced such people before. I have a history with religion (my father is a pastor) and I've completely turned away from it, so I have no desire to see a religious leader who will likely just go on and on about how Jesus still loves me and wants to help me and I should go to church blah blah. Plus, when I was in the military and started slipping back into severe depression, the first thing they did was send me to see a Chaplain, who spoke at me for an hour about how science proves the Bible and I need to accept Jesus. So, no.
>> No. 385263
So, after over a decade of trying self-help, exhausting most of what the field of psychiatry has to offer, and trying numerous "last-resort" options, I qualify to take part in a DBS clinical trial.
I'm going to have to stop working, and move out of state for half a year.
I'm kinda scared. Also, if it doesn't work I don't know what I'm going to do.
>> No. 385267
You are a good soul.

I often just call my mom or dad to tell them I still love them, but don't want to talk. It's a 30 second conversation, but it helps them not feel estranged and keeps them off my back about things.

Also, I like listening, so if you have a skype or anything, let me know. I learned to stop bearing the burdens of the world awhile ago.

Be frustrated, yell a little, cry a lot, and then look for something else. Most likely, anyway.
>> No. 385269
>Be frustrated, yell a little, cry a lot, and then look for something else. Most likely, anyway.
Thanks. I plan to do most of these things.
This is something I need, though. I've been putting it off for years, trying and exhausting other treatment options including ECT, throwing myself into work and volunteering, etc.
>> No. 385271
Best luck.
>> No. 385276
Thank you good sir.
And I didn't mean to brush off your advice--I always try to keep an eye out for other options, but it's about time.
>> No. 385298
Helping my mother take care of my father diagnosed with dementia for over a year has definitely taken a toll on me. I never had a great relationship with my father, but his dementia has driven us further apart with his violent outbreaks and constant cursing towards me and my family. My father wasn't exactly a noble man either, so his terrible actions are bringing back painful memories of the ugly way he use to act when I was young.

Recently, my mom admitted him to a hospital, because his anger was getting too hard to control and couldn't walk or use the restroom as before. He has no infection nor suffered from a second stroke. It's looking like he will finally go to the nursing home, but the decision hasn't been finalized yet. I feel bad for wishing my father would be admitted to a nursing home, but there's nothing more me or my family can do for him. His condition has gotten worse and we can't be there for him all the time to take care of his every needs--especially when we risk being bitten or bloody up. It's all just an emotionally draining experience.

I'm not the kind of guy that likes to talk openly about my personal business, but I just needed to get this out.
>> No. 385372

Hey, I feel you, man. Granny's been in a similar state since last January. My parents have been trying to care for at home, and it's draining. Dementia is a bitch for everyone involved.

Don't feel too bad about him being in a home. If it's a good one, he'll be getting at least as good care as he currently is, without you and your mom losing your sanity daily, and with the benefit of him being surrounded by medical professionals if something happens.

Hang in there, Jumpman.
>> No. 385405
>> No. 385433
>> No. 385678

I've been somewhat positive since Sunday, for absolutely no reason in particular. In fact, some things that should have made me depressed and lethargic did not. I don't know what caused it, but tonight I went to dinner with my mom who is in town on business and my mood took a complete nosedive.

I love my mom, she's a kind person and good mom, I just get 0 pleasure being in her company. Then she starts asking if I'm coming home for Christmas, and that she'll buy me a ticket. I immediately say "you are not buying me a ticket", as she has money problems of her own, and she says that I'm right, she has a shit-ton of frequent flier miles and can use those to buy me a ticket.

But I get absolutely 0 pleasure from being home. In fact, it's a negative experience, because I don't have my usual distractions at hand. Again, I love both of my parents, but I have absolutely nothing in common with my folks and have no interest in being with them. It doesn't help that I still have the desire to be invisible and unknown to everyone. But I know that my mom would be sad that I don't want to go home at all or be with her at all, so I don't want to outright tell her, but it's going to happen one way or another because as much as I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to go home more.

And they live in a town in the middle of nowhere; if I fly I won't have a vehicle to drive somewhere. My only IRL friend lives about an hour from there and I could possibly see him, but it honestly isn't worth the trip and awkwardness of being home. Being around people just depresses me.

And I was hoping to use that positive attitude to get some stuff done tomorrow. Fuck it, TF2 for 18 hours, see my mom again to make her happy, and then hopefully the positive mood will come back Sunday...
>> No. 385746
is constant self-sabotage a form of self harm
>> No. 385747
i wouldn't say it's the same but it's certainly another way to control your suffering by being the primary cause of it. :|

yeah... it's hard to stop. even more benign seeming activities like procrastination feeds into that whole thing.
>> No. 385894
I lost my grandma last week. Buried her this weekend. It's funny how much it hurts, and how it hurts. At times I'm completely ok, other's I'm number, and other times it hits me like a truck of sad. And, over the weekend, with all the family there, and lots of food and booze, those things helped just as unpredictably. At times I wanted to be with my family, all of them, even the ones I didn't know, just to absorb the most I could of them, or to comfort them, or cry with them. Other times I wanted far away from all of them, and everything-the laughing, the, the crying, their being drunk, their being sober, their being busy, their just sitting there-made me inexplicably annoyed.

She was a remarkable person, and part of my life constantly. I know I'm lucky to have known my grandma for a quarter of a century, and to have known her healthy and lucid for most of it. I'm sure that if there is a heaven she's there, and that heaven or no, she's no longer suffering. I just still can't believe that someone who I've known forever is gone from my life, and I can't imagine how I can now go a quarter, or half, or three quarters of a century more living without her.

I'm also full of regret for not spending more time with her. "Why didn't I sit down and get her life's story out of her? Why didn't I record her old stand-by stories on tape so I could learn them verbatim for my own kids? Why did I argue with her about topics I knew she'd never change her mind on, knowing I'd only make her worry about the fate of my soul if I voiced disagreement with her and the Church? Why did I let how painful it was to be around her after the stroke keep me from being there for her more often?"

And now I'm waiting for death's next big blow. Who will it be? The uncle with the brain tumor? The aunt with cancer? My fiancee with cancer? One of the physically healthy ones from suicide, stress, or freak accident? I just feel like I'm living on an emotional fault line, and the Big Ones keep coming.
>> No. 386140
This video has words that helped me not feel like butts. Maybe it will help other people not feel like butts as well.

Sorry for your loss.
>> No. 386142
I'm sorry, TD.
I can't really say much else. I don't know what it's like and I'm very bad at speaking about death. But I feel for you, and hope you overcome the grief soon.
>> No. 386288

Thanks, Slowpoke and Anon. I'm doing better.
>> No. 386298
So Colorado is shoring up its various laws/taxes for the sale of recreational marijuana. An online friend of mine (for quite some time, though we're not nearly as close now as we once were) suggested that I could try some as a potential for sloughing off some depression.

While it wouldn't be anytime soon, could a pot brownie be something worth trying? I don't think my workplace even has a drug policy, and certainly I've never heard of anyone being tested, so I'm not worried in that regard. I've never smoked anything before, plus I don't own my own place, so I figure food would be the best way to try some. Way I figure, at worst I'm out the price of whatever I buy and maybe a Saturday.
>> No. 386302
smoke it
>> No. 386308
Smoke with friends, it can be pretty lame until you get into the swing of things.
>> No. 386309
No. Again, I've smoked nothing in my life, so I'd look a fool. I don't own my place and can't smoke it here and I don't know if I'd be able to smoke it where I purchase it (and the idea doesn't sit well with me for multiple reasons.) And the worse-than-average allergies I have make it hard to breathe at times already up here, so extra smoke won't help.

>with friends
>> No. 386310
Stop. Toke. Be clams.
>> No. 386359
File 138431805035.jpg - (73.27KB , 406x197 , 128292581060.jpg )
Pot brownies are not a bad way to go if you can't or don't want to smoke for whatever reason. Forewarning that somehow a lot of people don't get, it takes a while longer to hit you if you eat an edible than if you smoke it. So yeah, don't go and eat a bunch thinking it's not working and turn into the ultimate space cadet.

Unless you want to. Which I will respect.
>> No. 386361
>make pot cookies
>get stoned
>get munchies
>have to resist urge to eat all of the cookies so you don't go to the fucking moon
I don't have anything to do with drugs/alcohol for personal reasons but my stoner buddy has said that this is a very real struggle.
>> No. 386364
Yes, that's been a real consideration. Since it would be a test in any case, the plan would involve purchasing only a single brownie or three cookies or whatever to get a "dose", and also buy a dozen donuts and chips and stuff for if/when those hit.
>> No. 386365
>read current discussion
>realize how long its been since I took a trip
>realize I don't have any real connections these days, and lack a social circle capable of hooking me up
>be sad
>> No. 386446
you should definitely try to smoke it. you can smoke a discreet joint in a park or outside the city no problem. eating is a heavier, body high, and smoking usually leads to a more mental high, esp if you get a sativa. i mean, if you want it for depression.

also, do you live with roommates or other people who would be anti-drugs? in my experience smoking weed in an apartment won't cause smoke damage and make you lose your deposit or even set off a smoke alarm.
>> No. 386453
I'm currently renting a guy's spare bedroom in his house. I don't know that he or the other roommate are necessarily anti-drug, but I reaaaaaaaally don't want to risk being kicked out for just suggesting it. I can't afford to live anywhere else and, aside from not being able to have animals, what I have going right now is pretty good.
>> No. 386459
it's anxiety like this is why you should smoke it in the first place
>> No. 386466
Thanks for making it a catch-22.
>> No. 386515
Have had a bit of a depression sitting on me for about a week culminating from current unemployment and just loneliness since college. Though it has caused me to reflect on things and maybe figure some method to cope and move past it.
>> No. 386560
>staff party coming soon
>lots of sexual tension between everyone
>coworkers think I have an amazing body and especially ass
>be introverted with crippling social anxiety who's uncomfortable around the idea of sex
>also everyone has to do karaoke
I'm a guy btw
Kill me.
>> No. 386562
Just get drunk and belt out something
>> No. 386573
Works in Japan. I think "She's a Lady." is a good choice but that is just me.
>> No. 386610
Automatic by The Pointer Sisters.
>> No. 386626
Sultans of Swing by Dire Straits
>> No. 386655
Methinks its Post College Depression wrecking my head at the moment. Bit late setting in but according to the lists it feels about right.
>> No. 386671
stop using lists to give yourself permission to be sad.
>> No. 389568
worry lists are useful so you can turn worries into actionable things
what lists are you talking about? this is new to me.
>> No. 389570
are there any otc or herbal remedies for depression?
>> No. 389571
it was listing the common feelings linked to such an event.

"College was worthless"
"My life is going nowhere"
"Nothing I'm doing matters"

that kinda junk.

that and certain feels about self that I can't talk out with anyone isn't helping things. But for the moment I'm away from the hole and doing my fucking damnedest to stay as far from it as possible, but days like this make it really hard. I"m bearing down my writing and I think I can maintain some momentum if I can just stick with it.
>> No. 389583
Haha, I wish. If anything was actually proven then commercials for it would be as prevalent as Cialis commercials.

Some people have reported an improved mood with St. John's Wort and it's been recommended to me on multiple occasions. I had a reaction as though my allergies were flaring up and it did nothing for my mood.

If it does do anything, it's probably only useful for those with very minor depression, more or less a case of the blues. For people like myself and, I assume, you, it is just an annoyance adding into our heavy depression.
>> No. 389594
exercise helps with most forms of depression.
but yeah... depending on the kind... different therapies, drugs, and/or treatments are needed so i have a hard time recommending anything to anyone.

as per the rules i'm not going to indulge in or deny it. which is a lot of what i personally do when i would get in a bad way... at least at first.
>> No. 389856
I have to ask, what's wrong with feeling selfish? You know, 'people who kill themselves do it because they want attention, and that's selfish.'

I'm not saying I would do it, (I'll get to that in a second) but when people go they just want attention when talking about those that do it, are they really so wrong to want to be noticed? Maybe it's not really the correct perception of the situation, but if you feel like the world is ignoring you, if you feel stuck in a position where you've grown outside of the focus of others, a focus that made you feel comfortable with, why is it wrong to want to be focused on?

It's not that being hated or being liked is at stake here, it's the desire to be something to a lot of people. A desire to play a role as an individual, even if that role is monster or villain or broken. We're a species of interactions, of communities and experiences, and stuck in a position, where you've ended up in a place where even you're questioning the role you have in this whole mess, whether you matter to the group or everyone would just go on without you, is scary. Would the internet care, would people remember you if you're gone? Sure, your family might, but couple that with some degree of feeling the wrong sort of attention from them, maybe you wouldn't find comfort in them.

Dad's too micromanaging, Mom's too smothering, and the only cool people in your family are thousands of miles away and have their own lives, so you just feel like, since you aren't worth it to the society around you, it wouldn't be worth bothering them with your problems. Remember, you don't even feel like your problems matter to others, or at least when you say them out loud they sound petty.

And in the end you're back to square one,
-You feel like the connections you have are tiring or taxing or even hurt to keep up
-You feel too stuck in place to make new ones, and when you try it never feels the same.
-You don't know how to get a proxy to place these feelings of uselessness and lack of care for the people around you.

So wanting to be focused on feels like a release. Look how much they wonder about people for a while, what caused it, what can we learn, what can we do to find out how to fix it in the future? Your impact is you make it better for everyone before you, OR people pay enough attention to you that you get everything you wanted, to feel like your absence matters to people. But that's hollow because you don't get to experience it, so gathering attention that way seems fruitless but you still want to be noticed and matter so much.

Everything you're sure would get you that would take you from experiencing it.
Everything you think might work is cast with a level of self-doubt and facts about the averages so great you feel like it won't even matter anyway.
And every level of interaction you think does give you that, gives it to you the wrong way, or a way you don't feel happy with, yet can't escape without great loss.

It's a big tar pit in my head, and I guess there's the argument about it being selfish, but again, what's wrong with that? I think so much about what others think about I want to indulge some more time to myself. And then they say 'well don't think about others' I have to wonder what the fuck everyone DOES with their brains when they're not talking about things. Do they just find a thought to dance around in their heads, think about a song, think about a word again and again? How can you just not think about the world around you when everything you do affects it? How can you NOT be thinking about others and the relations of other things? If you aren't doing that, then that seems pretty fucking selfish to me, so why are YOU allowed to be selfish when the rest of us aren't?
>> No. 389857
There's "debate" over keeping people from suicide being the selfish ones. Honestly, the kinds of people that try to pin selfishness or other moral qualities on others typically don't do much to address the issues at all, so I wouldn't worry about it.
>> No. 391617
Depression is a side effect of consumerist society.
>> No. 391618
File 139938245039.jpg - (28.03KB , 200x200 , soonslikkepind.jpg )


Valerian, woodruff, camomile, and green tea are all effective. Use valerian sparingly though, or you'll build tolerance quickly.

regards, herbalistfrogs
>> No. 391771
>Got a software job that requires me to move from Illinois to Bismarck North Dakota, then to Chelsea Massachusetts in the span of one year
>It was easily one of the best jobs I'll ever have. Paid $100,000+ with free healthcare and unlimited overtime to me, a kid fresh out of college. They seriously rented out the Harry Potter world at Universal Studios for the company meeting.
>Get fired Monday due to one part office politics, one part incompetence, and one part inability to seperate work and my own personal drama with my fiance
>The date of being fired was my exact one year anniversery with the company
>Go home in tears to my partner, my first love, to tell him about my termination
>We've had a rough past year, we've both cheated on each other, then cheated on each other again as revenge for the other person cheating. It was pretty rough, but I thought we would both survive.
>He immediately tells me hes leaving me, and that he was "only in it for the money and free health insurance at this point" despite me supporting him for a year while he tried to better himself
>No money left, ex-fiance blames me for wasting his inheritance in the various moves and is claiming that I owe him $40,000
>Still love my fiance, so will have to work my ass off for the next 4-6 years to try and pay him back because I want to see him well off with health insurance in a house to call his own
>He's leaving early soon, so I'm stuck in a big empty house for a month with no money and a few scraps of food to wait for the movers to show up
>Fiance is also incredibly depressed, and I'm hoping he doesn't kill himself at some point
>Can't afford to live in Massachusetts anymore so have to call my mother and ask her if I can stay with her
>Mom agrees, but still feel bad for being a burden at 23
>Have to now get a reasonably high paying job if I am to support myself, pay off my fiance in a reasonable time, and have health insurance
>Outside of Chicago there's absolutely no software jobs, and I'm too broke to live in Chicago
>Feeling like an utter failure in every way
>Will have to basically be an indentured servent until I'm 30
>Still madly in love with my fiance and want to at least text him occassionally in the future so I can be part of his life, but he's denying all contact and acting like our two years together never happened.
>Not eating anymore, smell like shit because too depressed to shower, can't even get utterly wasted because of no beer left and I can't get high because I have to stay clean for any prospective new jobs (old company was based in Colorado and didn't give a fuck about drug testing, shit was awesome)
>Working on resume now and no idea how to explain termination so I'll have to call my project manager and beg for a neutral reference for my year of work
>Call up parents to see if I can use the inheritance my grandmother left me for college as something to support myself/stave off fiance
>They just divorced, so all that money went to paying off the lawyers, or in their words "That well is dry son".
>Teeth keeping aching but no money or insurance to check them out. Deeply afraid of them rotting and ending up looking like a Walmart Cashier
>Still utterly depressed about how I treated my fiance and how he treated me during the height of our drama, many words were said that shouldn't have been said by both sides
Life's going too fast and I can't keep up. I'd kill myself, but there's too many people counting on me/who would be depressed by my death to actually do it.
>> No. 391772
Forgot something:
>Still have to call landlord who doesn't like us and beg for him to forgive this month's rent of $3000 since fiance and I have about $300 left between us and most of that is for pieces of bread to eat/gas back to Illinois
>Have to beg the same of utilities company here shortly
This shit's getting hopeless. I feel like I'm going to be working the rest of my life to repay everyone for just one year of life.
>> No. 391773
Well damn. You probably should leave your "debt" with your fiancé for last, gotta be alive to pay it. Specially after supporting him for a year.
>> No. 391774
Probably, I need to make it back to Illinois before I can pay him. Further developments:

>Found out my car is in dire need of an oil change/general repairs
>My insurance didn't go through for my last therapy session, so the Doc has taken the liberty of alerting a collection agency about me
It keeps happening
>> No. 391775
File 140083392165.jpg - (21.86KB , 416x500 , Bad-Poker-Face-141127_png.jpg )
I don't think I've ever been clinically depressed, but chronic disappointment, sure. I get extra sad when "good ole ma" decides she needs to burn off some frustration by verbally and financially kicking me into a corner and trying to make herself feel powerful by reminding me just how thoroughly she's destroyed my social life, my finances, my future and my mind. About a year ago she got up on her Napoleon complex and grew exasperated that despite this stalemate, I still refuse to be her slave just for the impression I could get out of it by working. I couldn't, because the fine print is still, "give mother 100% of the income that doesn't go to meeting YOUR responsibilities for gassing and maintaining the FAMILY car, of which you are the chauffeur. Or leave and be homeless. But stop living here and not making me money"

She came out and started screaming something that punched me right in the memories, but I admit surprise that it just kind of hit my heart and rebounded like a dull saw against knotted wood.


All I could say was "I think we've both known this for a very, very long time." She started crying and drove off for a while to cool down. After that I realized in her moments of weakness, she's always said those words when she's been defeated. The first time she said them, I must have been no older than 2 or 3. I remember it distinctly, because it came unprovoked, with no witnesses, during some sort of emotional breakdown of hers.

When I got cognoscente and other adults started listening to what I had to say, she got a lot outwardly nicer and more subtle in her psychological abuse and deprivation.
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