I might download it out of morbid curiosity, though.

It's the new Harry Potter.

Yes, HP was that shitty. At least the last 3, anyway.

possibly the ultimate death knell from the fanfiction generation. Shit like this might actually serve to legitimize terms like "Mary Sue" as valid critiques of literary works.

Really I think I'm done with Vampire stories after Anita Blake. I'll pass on reading it.

Postan.

needs moar makeout-vomit


BECASE THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A SYMBOLOGY

I was never into vampires. Pardon me for saying, vamp fans, but they kinda... seemed like pussies to me. I mean with the garlic and sunlight nonsense. I much preferred werewolves who had the mystery of not just hiding during the day but walking among us, perhaps unaware and they RIP AND TEAR RIP AND TEAR. I've never found any good werewolf novels, though.

>>676
I'm glad someone else prefers werewolves.

As for good wolf fiction, I can't think of a lot right off the top of my head. There was, however, THIS...

WORLD WAR TWO WEREWOLF

Vampires have been turned into a femininized icon.
Oldschool vampires: evil wizardly beings who roamed dirt farming Eastern European towns at night. 'Vampire' a loose term for a supernatural voodoo man, and the term was even interchangeable with other village terms for were-creatures. Sometimes they eat you, sometimes they drink your blood, sometimes they take your soul, sometimes they can reproduce sexually, and sometimes they can't. Depends on the town you ask, and what date.

Dracula vampires: Vampires go from some interchangable label with a host of cultural superstitions of Evil Magic People into undead creatures with blood thirst and modeled after Vlad the Impaler. Still monstrous creatures, now they're just as rich and powerful in the mortal world by popular consensus, as well.

Hollywood vampires: No reflection, fangs, sunlight weakness, blood drinking, sometimes magic powers, rich, handsome, Old Money and Powerful. Domineering fantasies, essentially.

Fanfic Writing Chick vampires: Androgynous, bi-sexual, a lot of emphasis is paid on the BDSM aspect of the shit (since people just CAN'T get enough of this inane BDSM-BS.) Mopey, emotional, angsty, and the sub-human aspects of their humanity inflated to make them more sympathetic and wilting willowy. (Anne Rice, Anita Blake.)

WoD and Blade vampires: Hyperviolent, modern and grittygrimdark. There's really not much to say here. Halovampires.

That’s it, I vow if I ever write a vampire character he'll wear a Hawaiian shirt, have a cheery outlook on un-life yet still be hideously grotesque. Im talking Nosferatu (spelling?) grotesque here. And no sex drive, cause ... well HIS BALLS ARE DEAD OKAY.

>>677

Ooh. I shall check that out, my good sir.

The Vampires and werewolves of the Whitewolf games will never be surpassed in terms on sheer awesomeness.

I'll always think of Smiling Jack whenever I think of Vampires.

>>692
The best things in WoD right now are Promethean and Changeling.

>>692
>>693
Worst think In new WOD? Malks no longer being a true clan...

>>695
I think the worst new thing about New WoD is that..
it's terrible. :(

What I don't get about Twilight fans is how often I hear "My girlfriend/sister/some girl I know really wants me to read this..." from males.

I know you have to be loose a few brain cells to read this crap but why would they think anyone without a vagina would be like it? It's obviously aimed at girls, it's like telling a guy to play with Barbies.

>>722

Those are just excuses. Truth is, they wish to be the little girl.

>>724

>>722
You know, there's a certain variety of chick (and probably a certain variety of guy) where they act out on what they want the world to be, and ignore things that detract from what they want, no matter how selfish or implausible they are.

I was briefly friends with a woman (lol internet friendships) before she randomly unveiled and disclosed her obsession with mpreg fanfiction. As in, would NOT shut the hell up about it, and just didn't understand the concept of other people (specifically, guys) not finding it the most interesting thing in the universe. Just out of the blue at least once a day,
"I just read the hottest mpreg fanfiction ever! He's the link!"
"Hurfdurf I'm RPing full metal alchemist mpreg! IT'S HOT!"
"We're roleplaying Inu-Yasha. I'm a yaoi Sesshoumaru ^.^! Brocest mpreg is HAWT."

This went on until I had to go waay beyond a cordial and delicate request for her to stop, into outright telling her not to do it anymore because it was driving me up the damn wall. She blocked me soon after that, saying I were being immature. Well, pardon me for not wanting anything to do with a 30-something fangirl's demeaning mpreg fantasies.
Fangirl zeal is to be feared, because they will not take no for an answer.

One of /tg/'s Magnificent Bastards cooked this up a while back. I give you: Twilight, as the setting for a Dark Matter campaign.
====
Forks, Washington. Summer 2007.

Hoffman Institute agents are dispatched to the area to investigate animal mutilations that White Section Sasquatches had nothing to do with. The investigation eventually leads back to the town and the strange circumstance around it.

To make a long story short, there are two major players: Isabella Swan and "Edward".

Isabella Swan is the assumed name of Rita Weathers, a 26 year old latent psychic. While she doesn't control it directly, she has the power to alter the subconscious thoughts of large numbers of people. Her deep seated insecurities and neuroses, however affect the entire town by making them puppets in a live version of her fantasy world, where she is an eternally loved high schooler. By the time the agents pay a visit to Forks, she's on the verge of discovering her psychic abilities, but can't control her major ability due to her insecurities. If attacked, she may display telekinetic abilities, but she mainly relies on Edward. If knocked unconscious, it turns out she's been projecting a Glamour effect; she's actually rather plain.

"Edward" is the assumed name of a Bering demon, one that feeds on the misery of others. A few years ago, he came to Forks while roaming through the Northwest and stumbled on Isabella Swan / Rita Weathers little puppet show. For something that feeds on agony and misery, this was a banquet. The townspeople of Forks, while going though the motions of Rita's fantasy, are still partially aware of their surroundings and are in constant despair; tears rolling down their faces, even as they smile at you. Edward's need to protect Rita stems from the occasional moments of clarity the townspeople have. One of the eternal students at the high school tried to run over "Isabella" in the parking lot, not by accident, but in an attempt to get Edward to kill him in revenge. Edward, of course, found that hilarious and let him live.

Edward's appearance and mannerisms are his approximations of her deepest fantasies. If researched, his appearance is based on a marble statue outside of a mental hospital in Arizona where Rita was interned five years ago. Edward's mannerisms are base attempts to reach the epitome of the 'dangerous' and 'novelty' columns of Ladder Theory. These attempts, however are shallow and unbelievable, the only reason it works on Isabella / Rita is because she's certifiably insane. The animal mutilations, as it turns out, are also parts of this act, to convince Isabella that Edward is indeed a "vampire", so she could keep the fantasy up and he'd have a meal ticket for at least the next half-century.

Like other Bering Demons, Edward is vulnerable to Arcane and Divine FX, Silver, and Holy Water.

>>695
THE FUCK!?!?!

>>678
And then you have the best Vampires.

Dr. McNinja Vampires: Build cyborg duplicates of themselves. Abduct celebrities to the moon to drink their blood. Hide the cure for Cancer on Mars.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUCK
I GOTTA BUY TWILIGHT MERCHANDISE FOR SOMEONE.
ASS!

(NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD) likes Twilight.

...Goddamnit. They've gotten to her too.

Taskmister: Would Twilight have been better,
Taskmister: if it was about Pimps instead of Vampires?

>>761
dracsmack.png

lol fund it

Does anyone have the list of 'Number of Times Bella Described Edward as Dazzling'? I'm gathering up every piece of Twilight propaganda I can find so I can keep it in my pocket. I feel like being an ass to my teenage cousins.

http://buttfacemakani.livejournal.com/302557.html

Today I heard a group of tittering girls say Twilight was shit. I still don't respect them, but my esteem of them has gone up somewhat.

>>784
At our Thanksgiving get-together, my teenage cousin was talking about it for awhile. She didn't hesitate to call it the best movie ever.

Everyone else just kind of referred to it as 'that' book. Wasn't sure what to make of that.

>>785

Throw good books at her. Good, thick, fantasy epics.

>>786

>>786

>>788>>787

I want to see somebody do what Bram Stoker did, from a different angle. Stoker took a pile of vampire lore, picked out the bits he liked, smushed them together, added some flavor and personal touches, and created a literary icon.

But there's so much he chose not to use. Here are some very minimal attributes of folkloric vampires:

The Upir is the name for the vampire in Russia and the Ukraine. He doesn't drink blood, and he doesn't have fangs. He just fucking EATS YOU. Upir eat flesh, and they don't care if it's living or not, just that it's human.

The Nelapsi is a Czech vampire. He carried the plague, has three hearts, and can kill you by looking at you, like a basilisk.

In Hungary, there is a vampire who drinks blood. He also has no fangs. Instead, he carries around a bucket. If he meets you, and you are unprotected by the cross or some other defensive measure, he hits you on the back so hard you cough up blood and die. He catches the blood you vomit up in his bucket, and then gulps it all down.

Traditional Romanian/Transylvania vampires DO drink blood, but they're not pussies; they don't go for your veins. They don't go for your throat or your wrists. They don't have fangs either. Instead, they BREAK OPEN YOUR RIB CAGE, lean in, and bite STRAIGHT INTO YOUR HEART, then lets the blood pump straight down his throat.

And this isn't even describing what they LOOKED like. They weren't handsome. They weren't suave. Imagine a hirsute human corpse with a unibrow and hairy palms, ruddy and swollen with blood and chewed flesh to the point that the skin is stretched so thin that its become shiny, often compared to animal membranes stretched taut over a drum.

>he hits you on the back so hard you cough up blood and die.

MY BLOOD! HE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!

>>799
what a weird coincidence, in one of an old acquaintance's vampire:the masquerade games, his character punched a dude who proceeded to puke up a bunch of blood. I wonder if it's just a coincidence...

I never had a problem with "Suave, seductive" vampires until Twilight. Back in the day, it was just another way for them to get someone to let their guard down and get some fangs in their neck, but thanks to Meyer... Bah.

>>796
>>The Upir is the name for the vampire in Russia and the Ukraine. He doesn't drink blood, and he doesn't have fangs. He just fucking EATS YOU. Upir eat flesh, and they don't care if it's living or not, just that it's human.
...that's not a vampire. That's a ghoul. Or a Wendigo.

...I want a genre of literature based on Ghouls now. Can we have that?

>>804
Ghouls are basically something halfway between zombies and cannibals, right? Find some books about smart zombies or dumb cannibals, badda-bing badda-boom.

>>799
VAMPIRES:

THE ORIGINAL HEAVIES.

>>804

The Upir fits all the classic symptoms of the vampire; he's a human being who died and returned from the grave to feast on the living. The Upir was just willing to feast on both the living AND the dead.

Ghouls are something else entirely. Common conception these days is something undead, but that's really not the case at all. Ghoul comes from the Arabic "ghul" and was synonymous with "demon" or "ogre." Ghouls are sometimes equated with the djinn, but for the most part they were a generic fairy tale monster. They're rarely described, but they often tend to be physically robust, and some traditions make note of shaggy hair. Specifically, if you trimmed a ghoul's hair so it no longer hung over his eyes and obscured his vision, you would be safe from him. Babies nursed at the teat of a female ghoul (ghula) were equally immune to attack.

And the subject of "attack" is odd. In today's culture, "ghoul" tends to suggest cannibalization of the dead. Arabic ghouls were oftend escribed as lingering around battlefields and graveyards to get at the corpses, but like many demons they were also described as shapeshifters. A common story involved a lonely traveler finding a camp tended by a beautiful woman, with only a minor physical deformity (that he may not notice immediately) that identified her as a shapeshifted ghoul that was planning to devour him. One particularly bizzare description of a ghoul, in fact the only detailed description I've ever read of, described it as looking like a deformed, cycloptic ostrich.

Wendigos, well, that's a whole other bucket of worms.

>>816
>A common story involved a lonely traveler finding a camp tended by a beautiful woman, with only a minor physical deformity (that he may not notice immediately) that identified her as a shapeshifted ghoul that was planning to devour him.

Reminds me of a story I read once of a traveler who encountered a strange castle or fortress in a desert, and sought aid at it. He was accepted in by a deformed and ugly doorman, but told to keep his eyes closed until he was shown to his room. He heard strange noises but kept his eyes closed.

When he reached his room he was told a servant woman would be in shortly to provide him with food and hot water for bathing. The servant woman is deformed is some manner I cannot remember, but they make love anyway.

I don't remember the story too well, actually. Long story short the castle is full of people who couldn't belong anywhere else, and that's why the traveler was forced to keep his eyes shut when going to his room. I can't even remember how it ended...

Is it wrong that I want Joachim Valentine from Shadow Hearts to fight Edward?

>>804

... Fallout ghouls? :D

>>816

At first, I read Upir as Tapir.

>>911

Postan moar.

>>928

URRRRRRRONK-RONK

Tapirs are terrifying.

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/news/stephanie-meyer-letter.php

I think you guys will like this.

how has this not been posted?

If you ever wanted to see how bad they really are...
http://www.box.net/shared/eo51i2u5d9
http://www.box.net/shared/638imuccpv
http://www.box.net/shared/xhm4nhgotg
http://www.box.net/shared/dtovrl9s27

I posted this on a Twilight thread on /x/ once and they loved it. I said that this should be the fate Stephenie Meyer and the fans of her shitty series.

Also, has anyone been here?

http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/

This section will make you RAGE FFFFFFFFFFFF!

http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=5175&page=1

>>1210
A comunity has grown and developed around the hatred the twilight books generate... my god.

>>1210
>obscene amount of attacks on Anti's:
>Pushed down stairs
>Punched in the jaw
>Beat with a bat
>Threatened with knife
>Attempted drowning
>Brick thrown at head
>Broken arm
HOLY SHIT! I'm never going to say a word about these shitty books ever.

>>1230
THEN THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.

http://twilightsucks.proboards81.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=8239

http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=display&thread=9462

Shit-JESUS, these two take the cake.

-Attacked with ACID, then stabbed MULTIPLE TIMES with a compass. Y'know, drawing compass.
-Shot with a SIGNAL FLARE.

...I don't remember Potter fanatics ever getting this violent.

Jesus, this is how bad movies start. It's only a matter of time before they start getting REALLY crazy and a memetics expert, his FBI agent ex-girlfriend, and Shia LaBeouf uncover the secret behind all of this.

http://www.wanderinggoblin.com/2009/03/29/twilight-not-just-a-film-its-now-a-religion/

Heh, "religion"

>>1206
>>1207
>>1208
>>1209

IT'S LIKE JHONEN VASQUEZ SAW IT COMING TEN YEARS AGO

>>1208
>silently vomiting
Still funny after all these years.
>>1209
>That fucking vampire.
I do believe we've all been saying that quite a lot lately.

>>1513
I think this may have been a joke one of the twilight fans made, I mean there's a batman's prayer on the net somewhere.

>>1528
It may have been a joke, but I bet you ten to one there are fantards who will take it seriously.

http://io9.com/5204316/twilight-fans-stab-choke-and-beat-haters-into-submission

Have there actually been news reports on any of these attacks? I'm sure most of them are real, but it's suspicious if none of them have been reported in the mainstream media.

>>788
No. Too much christian bullshit.

>>780
Number of Pages in the Book: 498
The First Hint of a Plot that Is Not Bella and Edward's Romance: page 328
When the Plot Actually Arrives: page 372

Boys that Totally Love Bella (Including Edward Cullen): 5

Approximate Amount of Time Bella and Edward are Romantically Involved Before Bella Is Begging Edward to Turn Her into a Vampire so They Can Be Together Forever: Like, two weeks. Maybe three. The timeline's a bit fuzzy.

References to Edward's Beauty: 165

Broken Down into the following categories -

* Face: 24 (Favorite adjectives: glorious, heavenly, seraphic)
* Voice: 20 (The voice of an archangel, donchaknow.)
* Eyes: 17
* Movement: 11
* Smile: 10
* Teeth: 8
* Muscles: 7
* Skin: 7 (Note: This only contains accounts of Edward's skin being beautiful. I didn't count references to it as "pale," "cold," or "white." If I had, this number would be about ten times larger.)
* Iron Strength or Limbs: 5
* Breath: 4 (EVEN HIS BREATH IS AMAZING.)
* Scent: 4
* Laughter: 3
* Handwriting: 2
* Chest: 2
* Driving Skills: 1

>>1640
The Number of Times...

* Bella Is Clumsy or Makes a Reference to Her Clumsiness: 26
* Bella Sneers at Forks or Its Inhabitants: 22
* Bella is "Dazzled" or Rendered Speechless by Edward's Beauty or Touch: 17
* Edward Tells Bella to Stay Away from Him While Completely Contradicting Himself with His Behavior: 16
* Bella is Utterly Desolate at Edward's Absence: 12
* Edward and Bella Kiss: 8
o Bella's Hormones Get the Better of Her and She Attacks Edward, Almost Causing Him to Eat Her: 2 (She's not even allowed to kiss him back! Where's the fun in that?)
o Edward's Kiss Makes Bella Faint: 1
o Edward's Kiss Makes Bella's Heart Literally Stop: 1
* Bella Thinks She Isn't Good Enough for Edward: 6
* Edward Is Referred to As Godlike: 5 (Note: This number might be off, as I didn't start counting until three or four mentions in.)
* Edward Tells Bella She's Unnatural: 5
* Edward Sparkles: 3
* Bella is in Mortal Danger: 3
o Edward Saves Bella from Mortal Danger: 3
* Edward Stalks Bella, For Real: 2 (Note: One of these instances involves watching her sleep every night for, like, months.)
* Bella says "Holy Crow!": 2
* Bella and Edward Argue About Who Loves the Other Most: 1
* Edward's Inability to Read Bella's Mind is Explained: 0

>>1640
>>1641
Took awhile, but thanks a bundle Doc.

  No son of mine sparkles!

So kawaii desu nee ^_^

My search for fanart of Alice and Ed's mom raping Bella in front of him has failed.

It appears that I have found an Alice/Jacob shipper.

I have no objections to this.

Though I warn you: do not check out her dA account unless you're prepared for her other stuff. Her gallery has a lot of yaoi. And furries.

I have to admit the psuedo-incest thing is kind of hot. Too bad there's most of the art is faggy animu style.

Wait, I'm confused. Did this turn into a Twilight fan thread?

>>1682
I think it's more of a "not all Twilight fanart is horrible" thread.

>>1683
That's rIdiculous, if it wasn't horrible, then it wouldn't be Twilight fanart!

>>1682>>1683>>1686
YEA-wait...oooh now I feel bad.

>>1683
But why? We're not fans, are we? We don't care.

>>1682
I started out trying to see if this thing had any good rule 34, failed, and looked for >>1666

If it's bothering you so much I'll delete it.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Twilight

  Also, guess what's coming out on the 21st.