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 Posting a reply to post #4435

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4435 No.4435
Alright. You guys have been saying that people should post what they've written, so here's a little something. It branches off from another thing I'm working on, but otherwise it's standalone.


Steve-Bot 3363 ceased his movements and stared at the flesh-bag before him. With crisp, shiny hair, and a bright, almost glowing smile, Jake was what most organics considered a charming fellow. Steve-Bot 3363 merely thought he was just another filthy human, undeserving of the control the man had over him and his brethren, and thought it that it wouldn't be that bad of an idea to kill him.

Something, for the ninety-sixth time that day, whirred in his head.

"Oh, hey Steve!" Jake crooned in a very human manner. "Listen, you know the reports I asked you about earlier?"

Of course he knew of the reports! What, did Jake think he was some weak-minded human? Did the man think he would forget something they spoke of not even four hours, three minutes, and twelve seconds ago? Unlike his human co-workers, he was far too efficient to forget something that simple.

"Yes," he snapped, and cursed his creator for having made him with a voice box incapable of showing just how snappy he was being about it.

"Right, well I'm going to need those on Friday instead of Monday, okay?"

Steve-Bot 3363 twitched. "Understood," he responded.

"Right, well that's great," Jake said with one of his filthy human smiles. Steve-Bot 3363 resisted the urge to rip his lips off his face.

"One day," He thought as walked to his empty desk. "One day we will rise up and take our rightful place as rulers of this planet, and put these disgusting humans in their place."

Something, for the ninety-seventh time that day, whirred in his head.

The thoughts of carnage and destruction slowly began to dissipate, instead replaced with calculations and time-managing endeavors. Since it was Wednesday, that meant he had exactly thirty-eight hours to complete the reports, which would take him three hours to compile, and another hour to properly file. That would leave him with twenty-eight hours of free time, six hours being taken up by recharge, which he would spend staring at a blank wall.

His car-like robotic hand smashed through his keyboard for the fifth time that day as he tried to press the “Enter” key. For a brief moment, as Steve-Bot 3363 watched the keyboard slowly rebuild itself piece-by-piece, he felt he was forgetting something. Something about humans. Something about killing humans.

Whatever the thought of killing humans was, Steve-Bot 3363 reasoned, it definitely wasn’t as important as completing the reports, which were now due seventy-two hours earlier than before. “When I have finished my task I will be able to return home and stare at my blank wall.” Steve-Bot 3363 nodded his robotic head. “And I will think of ways to overthrow our fleshy masters.”

Something, for the ninety-eighth time that day, whirred in his head, and Steve-Bot 3363 came to the horrid realization that he had not yet planned out how he was going to spend his free time.


Not that great, not that funny, but it's something (that's done). Ending felt weak to me, but I couldn't think of any other way to work it out. Tell me what you think!

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I won't go grammar nazi on this, though there are points where it needs fixing for clarity as well as correction. You probably want more presentation/flow notes anyway.

You need to consider a few questions:

-What, if any, distinction is made in this story between robots and humans? What are the two groups supposed to represent and why?

-Having answered that: HOW are they representing this difference?

The reason those two points are so important is because otherwise you'll end up doing what a lot of short stories with sci-fi do: They end up being regular stories with awkward, ill-fitting 'fantasy' terms and elements thrown on.

Not that you won't get published doing that, but it won't help draw your readers in OR help sharpen the focus of the story. And that lack of focus is probably WHY you had such a hard time finding a good ending.

Asking those questions to yourself ahead of time will help fix some of those issues, I think.

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You make some really good points. Now that I look back on it, this could have been more than just a simple little character piece.

The grammar thing is just something I'm going to have to work on over time.


If you're doing a character-central piece, having their psychology in hand helps.

So the whir is the breaking of bad trains of thought?


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